What to do when you find out that your partner is not what you think he/she is? What do you do when you find out the dirty linen of your partner? Do you forgive? Do you forget? Do you rage war so as to get even (the classic "I don't get mad, I get even" attitude)?
I am currently being greatly tested by God. However, I'm not so sure what is He trying to show me. It is bad enough that Hootie is sick, I have to deal with other issues that crops up from him being sick. (Sorry, not about to "buka pekung di dada" but just feels like I need to vent out my feelings and frustrations).
It is rather hard to confront someone who is currently in a vegetable state. I have so many questions which I want Hootie to answer. And knowing me, I will not get peace until I have found what I am looking for. Several scenarios that I can think off:-
- He wakes up and confess to everything but I'm not sure I am ready for the answers and I am not sure whether I can handle the truth (that is, if Hootie tells the truth. He has told so much lies that I'm not sure which one is the truth or again another white lie).
- He wakes up and totally forget about the whole ordeal and a bunch of other things (due to his brain condition), of which I will definitely not get any answers.
- He wakes up, remembers everything but refuse to talk about it. Again, I will definitely not get any answers.
His parents and family will definitely side him so I don't even see the point of raging war with them. In their eyes, Hootie is a good kid that is not capable of such acts.
At the moment, I've decided not to go visit Hootie at the hospital but my dear mother keeps taking me down the guilt trip. So, I'm rather stuck emotionally. If I go see him, I'll get upset. If I don't see him, I have to listen to dear old mother's long lecture on how I should at least show respect to Hootie's parents by visiting their good-for-nothing son. And the guilt creeps in.
Talking about it with really close friends helps. Watching movies with friends also helps. But at the end of the day, I still have to face/deal with my problems. It was easier when I was single, I just walk out of the relationship. Pack up and go. But this time around, it is different, I can't just walk out. I know, I know, there are no kids involve so it should be easy, but again, it's the whole dignity, pride, family's honour, bla bla bla thing.
Trust is a very sensitive, fragile thing. Once it's gone, it is difficult to earn/give it away again. And for those of you who knows me very well, I can be a cruel, cold hearted bitch that you wished you didn't mess with me in the first place. I just hope, one day, I'll find it in my heart to trust Hootie again.
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