I FINALLY DID IT!!!

Well, it has been a while since I updated my blog. I know, I know, I did say that I'll update my blog daily but due to some unforeseen circumstances, I've been rather tied up with work and more work. But I do try to have some "me" time each day so as to keep my sanity in-check.

And, due to some unforeseen circumstances again, I had to let go of my career. I've decided to quit my job and pursue something else. For the record, I had no choice but to resign. It's either my desk job or running TheCompany. Yes people, I've decided to take up the challenges of becoming an entrepreneur.

After considering and talking to quite a number of people, I've decided to jump ship. Have to say, this is probably the most drastic action i've taken in my entire life (getting married doesn't count, kay!).

I do have some reservation and still having the same reservation even after I decided to extend my "love" letter to the head of dept. Can't help thinking, what if it doesn't work out? I mean, it's ok if it just involves me. But, like I said, I would love to have kids but if financially things are not working out, I have to reconsider this plan. (I'm beginning to think that I am destined to take care of other people's kids rather than having my own... I have a husband who doesn't want kids and I can't have any kids out of wedlock either!). And I still have financial commitments to meet. And how about my parents' reaction? My mother, who's old school by the way, will definitely flip and will definitely say I'm more stupid than she thinks I am!

In three months time, I'll be in a world where financial stability is no longer there. Scary as it might sound, I guess I just have to put on a brave smile and face the musis. So, Hootie, when you get better and read this, I really hope that this will dawn on you and I am making this sacrifce for you! I can be selfish and follow my mother's advice so as to let TheCompany fall but I guess some things are worth saving.

Cervical spond-what?

Have you guys ever tried multi-tasking? Man, it's tiring. And that is exactly what I am currently facing. I have to do several jobs at one go. Keep my day job and at the same time run Hootie's business, visit Hootie at the hospital, attend to my father's "unreasonable" requests and keeping my self sane at the same time.

BTW, I've been diagnose with having cervical spondylosis (check out http://www.patient.co.uk/showdoc/23068700/ for further details on this). Yep, it is rather mouthfull. But in layman's term, I'm aging gracefully. It all started last Tuesday (8 July 2008) when my fingers suddenly became numb. A very close collleague of mind gave me a good massage and suggested that I go see the doctor. So, I decided to follow his advice and had an X-Ray done the next day. And surprise, surprise, the whole reason I'm feeling the numbness in my hands and fingers was due to the fact that my cervical spine (ie the bones at your neck) is slightly out of place, thus pressing the nerves around that area. There are no medicine for this. I have to start seeing a chiropractor and just be very careful with myself, ie not to fall, do not carry heavy stuff, stop lugging my big, heavy handbags and everything else that could hurt me more. I also have to make sure that my posture is right.

OK, so it is not as severe as what Hootie is facing but I do feel uncomfortable. Sleeping at night is a hassle since I lying on my back is the only position that doesn't hurt my neck. I tried one of those conturing pillows, but it makes my pain worst. As for now, I just have to be extra careful and not hurt myself further.

Again, to all friends out there, thanks for taking good care of me.

Stuck in a rut and it ain't funny...

What to do when you find out that your partner is not what you think he/she is? What do you do when you find out the dirty linen of your partner? Do you forgive? Do you forget? Do you rage war so as to get even (the classic "I don't get mad, I get even" attitude)?

I am currently being greatly tested by God. However, I'm not so sure what is He trying to show me. It is bad enough that Hootie is sick, I have to deal with other issues that crops up from him being sick. (Sorry, not about to "buka pekung di dada" but just feels like I need to vent out my feelings and frustrations).

It is rather hard to confront someone who is currently in a vegetable state. I have so many questions which I want Hootie to answer. And knowing me, I will not get peace until I have found what I am looking for. Several scenarios that I can think off:-

1. He wakes up and confess to everything but I'm not sure I am ready for the answers and I am not sure whether I can handle the truth (that is, if Hootie tells the truth. He has told so much lies that I'm not sure which one is the truth or again another white lie).
2. He wakes up and totally forget about the whole ordeal and a bunch of other things (due to his brain condition), of which I will definitely not get any answers.
3. He wakes up, remembers everything but refuse to talk about it. Again, I will definitely not get any answers.

His parents and family will definitely side him so I don't even see the point of raging war with them. In their eyes, Hootie is a good kid that is not capable of such acts.

At the moment, I've decided not to go visit Hootie at the hospital but my dear mother keeps taking me down the guilt trip. So, I'm rather stuck emotionally. If I go see him, I'll get upset. If I don't see him, I have to listen to dear old mother's long lecture on how I should at least show respect to Hootie's parents by visiting their good-for-nothing son. And the guilt creeps in.

Talking about it with really close friends helps. Watching movies with friends also helps. But at the end of the day, I still have to face/deal with my problems. It was easier when I was single, I just walk out of the relationship. Pack up and go. But this time around, it is different, I can't just walk out. I know, I know, there are no kids involve so it should be easy, but again, it's the whole dignity, pride, family's honour, bla bla bla thing.

Trust is a very sensitive, fragile thing. Once it's gone, it is difficult to earn/give it away again. And for those of you who knows me very well, I can be a cruel, cold hearted bitch that you wished you didn't mess with me in the first place. I just hope, one day, I'll find it in my heart to trust Hootie again.