Cervical spond-what?

Have you guys ever tried multi-tasking? Man, it's tiring. And that is exactly what I am currently facing. I have to do several jobs at one go. Keep my day job and at the same time run Hootie's business, visit Hootie at the hospital, attend to my father's "unreasonable" requests and keeping my self sane at the same time.

BTW, I've been diagnose with having cervical spondylosis (check out http://www.patient.co.uk/showdoc/23068700/ for further details on this). Yep, it is rather mouthfull. But in layman's term, I'm aging gracefully. It all started last Tuesday (8 July 2008) when my fingers suddenly became numb. A very close collleague of mind gave me a good massage and suggested that I go see the doctor. So, I decided to follow his advice and had an X-Ray done the next day. And surprise, surprise, the whole reason I'm feeling the numbness in my hands and fingers was due to the fact that my cervical spine (ie the bones at your neck) is slightly out of place, thus pressing the nerves around that area. There are no medicine for this. I have to start seeing a chiropractor and just be very careful with myself, ie not to fall, do not carry heavy stuff, stop lugging my big, heavy handbags and everything else that could hurt me more. I also have to make sure that my posture is right.

OK, so it is not as severe as what Hootie is facing but I do feel uncomfortable. Sleeping at night is a hassle since I lying on my back is the only position that doesn't hurt my neck. I tried one of those conturing pillows, but it makes my pain worst. As for now, I just have to be extra careful and not hurt myself further.

Again, to all friends out there, thanks for taking good care of me.

Stuck in a rut and it ain't funny...

What to do when you find out that your partner is not what you think he/she is? What do you do when you find out the dirty linen of your partner? Do you forgive? Do you forget? Do you rage war so as to get even (the classic "I don't get mad, I get even" attitude)?

I am currently being greatly tested by God. However, I'm not so sure what is He trying to show me. It is bad enough that Hootie is sick, I have to deal with other issues that crops up from him being sick. (Sorry, not about to "buka pekung di dada" but just feels like I need to vent out my feelings and frustrations).

It is rather hard to confront someone who is currently in a vegetable state. I have so many questions which I want Hootie to answer. And knowing me, I will not get peace until I have found what I am looking for. Several scenarios that I can think off:-

1. He wakes up and confess to everything but I'm not sure I am ready for the answers and I am not sure whether I can handle the truth (that is, if Hootie tells the truth. He has told so much lies that I'm not sure which one is the truth or again another white lie).
2. He wakes up and totally forget about the whole ordeal and a bunch of other things (due to his brain condition), of which I will definitely not get any answers.
3. He wakes up, remembers everything but refuse to talk about it. Again, I will definitely not get any answers.

His parents and family will definitely side him so I don't even see the point of raging war with them. In their eyes, Hootie is a good kid that is not capable of such acts.

At the moment, I've decided not to go visit Hootie at the hospital but my dear mother keeps taking me down the guilt trip. So, I'm rather stuck emotionally. If I go see him, I'll get upset. If I don't see him, I have to listen to dear old mother's long lecture on how I should at least show respect to Hootie's parents by visiting their good-for-nothing son. And the guilt creeps in.

Talking about it with really close friends helps. Watching movies with friends also helps. But at the end of the day, I still have to face/deal with my problems. It was easier when I was single, I just walk out of the relationship. Pack up and go. But this time around, it is different, I can't just walk out. I know, I know, there are no kids involve so it should be easy, but again, it's the whole dignity, pride, family's honour, bla bla bla thing.

Trust is a very sensitive, fragile thing. Once it's gone, it is difficult to earn/give it away again. And for those of you who knows me very well, I can be a cruel, cold hearted bitch that you wished you didn't mess with me in the first place. I just hope, one day, I'll find it in my heart to trust Hootie again.

40 tips for a better life

It has been a while since I "cut and paste" something from the many, many emails that I get from friends. But there is one particular email that I received today, which I feel like sharing it with you guys.

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. Buy a DVR and tape your late night shows and get more sleep.

4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to ___ today.'

5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

6. Play more games and read more books than you did in 2007.

7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, tai chi, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

11. Drink green tea and plenty of warm water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.

14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.

18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

26. Forgive everyone for everything.

27. What other people think of you is none of your business.

28. GOD heals almost everything.

29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

30. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

31. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

32. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

33. The best is yet to come.

34. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

35. Do the right thing!

36. Call your family often.

37. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for _____. Today I accomplished _____.

38. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

39. Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about.

Update on Hootie (part deux)

Hi all,

Sorry for not updating you guys on a constant basis. But honestly, ever since he "woke up" not much progress has been seen/made.

BTW, he is now in Room 10, ward 4A (same level as ICU and Acute Cubicle). The beauty of being in a single bed room is that we can now nurse him 24/7. We are allowed to sleep over at the hospital. The nurse taught us some basic nursing stuff such as feeding him, changing his diapers, changing his positions (since he is still bed ridden, we have to keep tossing and turning him on bed in order to avoid bed sore) and even checking for his BP, pulse and respiratory rate.

So far, each time we ask him something, and if he understands it, he'll blink. He can't lift any of his hands/legs. But the doctors have started him on physiotherapy routines in order to avoid muscle cramps/spasms. The occupational therapist have made him a device called "splints" which we have to put on his hands and legs for 3 hours with 2 hours interval between each session (maybe i'll take some photos of this and show you guys how it works). Since his breathing is still not stable, they can't start him on speech therapy.

Yesterday, we tried giving him ice-cream to see whether he can react to taste. It seems that his tongue moved but he can't swallow as the ice-cream just melted in his mouth and came drolling out the side. The doctor said not to worry as this was the first time we are feeding him through the mouth for after about a month but we have to keep trying in order to teach him to swallow.

That's all for now... will definitely update when there are more exciting news.

Reflections

It has been 3 weeks since Hootie got sick. And it has been 3 weeks of travelling to and from the hospital.

What have I learned for the last 3 weeks? That life is too valuable to go to waste. I've seen accident victims, death and prolonged illnessess (there's a patient that has been in the hospital for almost a year!). And trust me, it makes me appreciate my life more.

There is an early 20s, young boy, who decided to get drunk and "merempit". He met with an accident and was badly injured. The doctor managed to save him but part of his skulls crashed to bits and for a while he had no bone flap in his head (Betty, Cik Tipah, Zaza, Hugo and several other friends had the opportunity to meet this boy).

Each time i pay a visit to the hospital, I can't help feeling grateful for the current state of health I'm in. Besides, it also made see certain things in life differently.

The truth is, what Hootie had could happen to anyone of us. As a muslim, I belief that God have certain ways in making us appreciate our life better and not let it go to waste (too bad the wake up call had to be brain haemorrage). As I see it, Hootie had a second chance in life and so did I. Can't stop thinking about all the bad things that I've done and maybe this is one of the many ways of God telling me to stop and repent.

As for my relationship with Hootie, this experience will definitely change our relationship. Hopefully, for the better. Maybe, we'll appreciate each other more instead of taking each other for granted.

I can definitely say that this experience is extremely mind and emotionally challenging. I can't stop thinking and reflecting about a lot of things, let it be the past, current and the future. The doctors did say that Hootie will not recover 100% to his original state of well being before all this happened. Will Hootie and I be able to have kids? Will Hootie be able to become the bread winner or do I have to wear the pants? How will Hootie cope with his emotions if he no longer becomes man of the house? How long can I persevere and hold my sanity? So many questions but no worries, I'm taking it one day at a time (thanks for all the morale support you guys!)

I guess, at the end of the day, I'm sure God have some plans in store for us and I just have to brace myself through these hard times.